Across the United States, domestic violence continues to affect millions—yet one of the least understood and most heart-wrenching aspects of this crisis is the reality that many victims, even after escaping abuse or entering a loving and supportive relationship, often return to their abusers or seek out new relationships that mirror the dysfunction and trauma of their past.
This phenomenon is not rooted in choice, weakness, or lack of intelligence. It is deeply connected to the psychological and emotional aftermath of abuse, complex trauma, and a social system that frequently fails to offer timely and consistent support.
A Silent Epidemic Within the Epidemic
The U.S. Department of Justice reports that over 10 million adults experience domestic violence annually. Among those who leave abusive relationships, a significant percentage eventually return. Studies, including those published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence, estimate that more than half of women who leave an abusive partner will return at least once. Some do so multiple times.
Even more troubling is the documented occurrence of victims who, after finding safe and loving relationships, sabotage or abandon them, only to gravitate toward new abusive situations. Experts say this is often due to what trauma specialists call “trauma bonding”—a psychological dependency formed during repeated cycles of abuse and reconciliation, which can skew a person’s perception of love, safety, and normalcy.
Fear of Love and Safety
Dr. Christine Courtois, a leading clinical psychologist specializing in complex trauma, explains: “For many survivors of prolonged abuse, especially those who experienced it from a young age or in successive relationships, love can feel foreign—unsafe even. When they encounter genuine affection, it may trigger fear or guilt, and they may unconsciously retreat into what feels familiar, even if it’s harmful.”
The fear of vulnerability and the belief that they are undeserving of healthy love can drive victims back toward abusive partners or into new destructive dynamics. Survivors often report feeling emotionally numb or “on edge” in peaceful relationships, mistaking the absence of chaos for disinterest or emotional distance.
Systemic Failures and Lack of Resources
Compounding the issue is the limited access to long-term support. Many shelters operate at capacity, and court systems—particularly in family and domestic relations courts—often lack the trauma-informed training needed to handle these sensitive cases. Victims who report abuse can find themselves entangled in prolonged custody battles, blamed for their own victimization, or forced to share parenting time with their abuser.
Survivors who do manage to leave abusive environments are often left to rebuild their lives with minimal psychological or financial support. Without sustained counseling or community support, the long-term effects of trauma—including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and attachment issues—can overwhelm even the most determined individuals.
A Personal Truth: Love Rejected, Abuse Embraced
There are documented cases of survivors who found healing and love, but ultimately left it behind, returning to toxic dynamics. In these stories, partners provided emotional security, stability, and respect—yet those very qualities became triggers for survivors still processing unhealed trauma. The safety they had longed for became terrifying in its unfamiliarity.
These decisions are rarely made consciously. Rather, they reflect the damage inflicted over time when abuse becomes normalized and self-worth is eroded. “Victims don’t just need to escape,” said Dr. Courtois. “They need to be taught how to receive love, how to trust it, and how to trust themselves.”
Moving Forward: What Can Be Done?
Experts emphasize the importance of trauma-informed therapy as part of the recovery process. Healing from domestic abuse involves unlearning deep psychological patterns and developing a new sense of identity outside of victimhood.
Communities and courts must also do more to recognize the cyclical nature of trauma responses. More funding is needed for mental health care, transitional housing, and survivor-led support networks. The goal is not just rescue, but rehabilitation.
Until then, the cycle will continue. Victims will leave, return, leave again—and some will walk away from real love, only because they’ve never been shown how to accept it.
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available. Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788. All calls are confidential.